M4RZ-ST4RZ, Script by Arthur Wyatt, Arthur Wyatt 2002
Page 1:

Panel 1: Small panel, inset into panel 2. A television presenter, vaguely resembling Davina McCall, is talking to us.

Presenter: WELCOME TO M4RZ-ST4RZ! THE FIRST REALITY TV-SHOW TO COMBINE A TALENT CONTEST WITH MANS FIRST MISSION TO MARS!

Panel 2: Large panel. A huge spaceship in earth orbit, its massive engines have just started up.

Caption: DAY 1

Presenter (linked to panel 2): 12 PROSPECTIVE BAND MEMBERS ARE ABOARD THE M4RZ-ST4RZ SHIP, THEIR HOME FOR THE DURATION OF THE SIXTY DAY VOYAGE, UNDER CONSTANT SUVEILANCE BUT WITH NO CONTACT WITH THE OUTSIDE WORLD.

(link) UNFORTUNATELY THERE ISN'T ENOUGH OXYGEN FOR THEM ALL TO MAKE IT, SO EACH WEEK THEY WILL HAVE TO VOTE ON WHO TO LEAVE BEHIND. THE REMAINING FOUR WHO COMPLETE THE VOYAGE WILL BE THE...

Title (large, linked to presenters speech): M4RZ ST4RZ!

Credits

Panel 3: This panel is subdivided into 12 portrait panels, each showing a headshot of one of the M4RZ-ST4RZ crew:

GUS (the fat one) WARIUS (the poncy one) JESS (the fashionably-dressed-girl one) PETAL (the cute-hippy-chick one) BUBBLES (the chimp-like one) STEFAN (the boring one) BOBBIE (the cheeky one) AMADEUS (the funky-bald-black one) SYLVIA (the pierced-bald-feminist-chick one) RUFUS (the stuttering one) URSULA (the bulimic-model-type one) MIKE (the Fonz rip-off one).

Each headshot is captioned with the crewmembers name underneath. Most of these people are disposable but out of them you'll probably want to give the most attention to Gus, Warius, Bubbles, Ursula, Petal, Amadeus, Bobbie and Jess. If having all of them in one big lump at the bottom of the page is visually boring feel free to split them up and move them around the page.


Page 2:

Panel 1: We are in the lounge area of the M45Z-ST4RZ spaceship. Gus (the fat one) is being manhandled by two humanoid robots. The rest of the crew are watching dispassionately from a distance.

Caption: DAY 7.

Caption: GUS IS VOTED TO BE FIRST TO BE EJECTED FROM THE M4RZ-ST4RS SHIP. THE VOTE WAS ELEVEN TO ONE.

Gus: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! YOU ALL VOTED ME OUT! IT'S BECAUSE I'M FAT ISN'T IT?

(link) YOU CAN'T STAND THE THOUGHT OF SOMEONE FLABBY BEING IN A BAND!

Panel 2: Head and shoulders of Stefan and Petal and Bubbles.

Stefan: WE JUST THOUGHT THAT YOU SEEMED TO BE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR FAMILY.

Petal: YEAH. WE DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE HANDLING THE ISOLATION WELL AND THAT YOU'D LIKE TO SEE THEM AGAIN.

Bubbles: OOK!

Panel 3: The two androids shove Gus into an airlock. He desperately claws at the edges of the airlock door, trying to get out.

Gus: WHAT? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

(link) DIDN'T YOU READ THE RULES? I'M NOT GOING BACK TO ANY FAMILY! I'M GOING TO BE THROWN OUT INTO THE ICY DEPTHS OF SPACE TO EXPLODE AND DIE!

Panel 4: Outside the ship we see the airlock open and Gus spin off into space. His mouth is already foaming and his eyes bulging from the effects of vacuums and his guts explode out.

Gus: YOU BASTAAAARRRRRRRR -

SFX: Bomf!

Panel 5: Inside the ship Stefan, Warius and Rufus watch Guses body through a window.

Warius: I NEVER LIKED HIM ANYWAY.

Stefan: WHAT A LOSER. I WOULD NEVER BLUB AND CRY LIKE THAT.

Rufus: YUH-YUH-Y-YEAH!

Panel 6: Stefan is being shoved into the airlock by the humanoid robots. His face is swollen from crying and tears stream down his face: He's a real mess.

Caption: DAY 14.

Stefan: OHMIGOD NOOO PLEASE DON'T LET THEM DO THIS I'M BEGGING YOU I DON'T WANT TO DIE!!!

Bobbie (offpanel): WE'RE SORRY STEF, BUT YOU DANCE LIKE A SPASTIC THUNDERBIRDS PUPPET.

Panel 7: Warius watches as the doors to the airlock slam shut. We can see Stefans pleading face through a tiny window in the door.

Warius: CIAO!


Page 3:

Panel 1: We're in the M4RZ-ST4RZ diary room. Jess is sat in the diary room chair, talking to the M4RZ-ST4RZ computer. We see this form the point of view of one of its cameras, which she is talking directly into.

Caption: DAY 23. JESS VISITS THE M4RZ-ST4RZ DIARY ROOM WITH SOME COMPLAINTS.

Jess: WELL, I JUST DON'T THINK ITS FAIR - BUBBLES TURNS OUT TO BE A CHIMPANZEE GENETICALLY MODIFIED FOR POP STARDOM, AND I JUST DON'T THINK WE SHOULD HAVE TO COMPETE AGAINST A MONKEY.

Computer (no tail): THE M4RZ-ST4RZ RULES DO NOT DISCRIMINATE AGAINST GM OR PRIMATE PARTICIPANTS.

Panel 2: Same POV. Jess leans in closer to speak.

Jess: ALSO RUFUS TOTALLY JUST PRETENDS TO STUTTER. IT'S JUST AN ACT HE'S USING TO TRY AND GET SYMPATHY.

(link) HE LET IT SLIP WHEN, UM, WE WERE INTIMATE.

Computer (no tail): PRETENDING TO STUTTER IS ALSO NOT AGAINST THE M4RZ-ST4RZ RULES. HOWEVER M4RZ-ST4RS CREW MEMBERS ARE ALLOWED TO VOTE AS THEY SEE FIT ON EJECTION DAY.

Panel 3: The Icy corpses of Rufus and Bubbles float in space, in the distance we see the M4RZ-ST4RZ ship continuing on its voyage to mars.

Caption: DAY 36:

Jess (from ship): HEY, HOW COMES WE CAN STILL SEE THEIR BODIES? WE MUST HAVE EJECTED THEM HUNDREDS OF MILES AGO.

Panel 4: Warius, Jess and Bobbie are in the kitchen area of the lounge. Bobbie is throwing open a cupboard to find it completely empty. In the backgound we see Mike is practicing on a drum kit in the main lounge area.

Warius: SIMILAR RELATIVE VELOCITY OR SOMETHING. I'M MORE WORRIED ABOUT WHERE ALL THE FOODS GOING.

Bobbie: YEAH! THE PIES ARE ALL GONE!

Panel 5: Warius Jess and Bobbie looked shocked as they hear an odd sound.

SFX: BJEURK!!! HYURRRCH!!!

Panel 6: Warius and Jess burst into a bathroom to find Ursula leaning over a toilet. She's got a few specks of vomit around her mouth and pie stains down here front. We can see piles of discarded empty pie boxes

Ursula: WHAT?

(link) YOU DON'T EXPECT ME TO KEEP ALL THOSE CALORIES DOWN DO YOU?


Page 4:

Panel 1: The remaining crew members - Mike, Ursula, Warius, Petal, Amadeus, Bobbie and Jess - are gathered in the lounge as the computer makes an announcement to them. Around them are bags of fertiliser and seeds. A few of the crew members have picked up shovels and are looking at them in a puzzled way.

Caption: DAY 37. THE M4RZ-ST4RZ COMPUTER GIVES THE CREW A TASK.

Computer (no tail): FOOD SUPPLIES HAVE BEEN UNEXPECTEDLY DEPLETED.

(link)USING THE TOOLS AND RAPID-GROWTH SEEDS PROVIDED YOU WILL SET UP A HYDROPONICS GARDEN TO SUSTAIN YOURSELVES FOR THE REST OF THE VOYAGE.

Panel 2: Large panel. The interior of the M4RZ-ST4RZ craft now resembles a strange jungle, with plants growing everywhere. Through the jungle stalks Warius, now in ripped up tribal clothing, with wild hair and mud markings on his face. He carries a makeshift spear made from a mikestand.

Caption: DAY 56

Warius: I AM THE JUNGLE LORD!

(link, shouting) HUNT! KILL! EAT!

Panel 3: Bobbie, Petal, Amadeus and Jess leap out of the bushes and attack Warius with makeshift clubs, made from the limbs of the robots we saw earlier and parts of the drum kit. They too are wearing tribal garb, made from torn up clothing.

Petal: GET HIM!

Panel 4: Bobbie, Petal, Amadeus and Jess savagely beat Warius to death with their clubs.

Bobbie: WE'RE VOTING YOU OUT OF THE BAND, WARIUS!

Petal, Amedeaus and Jess (in unison): OUT! OUT! OUT!

Panel 5: Long shot. The M4RS-ST4RS spaceship has landed on mars, and the four remaining crewmembers are emerging from it on a ramp, wearing lightweight spacesuits. One of them (Jess) is gesturing forwards.

Caption: DAY 63. PLANETFALL ON MARS.

Caption: THE CREW MUST RENDEVOUS WITH THE AUTOMATED RELIEF SHIP. AS WELL AS THE STAGE FOR THEIR LIVE-FROM-MARS CONCERT, IT WILL BE THEIR TRANSPORT FOR THEIR TRIUMPHANT RETURN HOME.

Bobbie: WE'RE THE FIRST HUMANS ON MARS! COOL! NOW LETS DO OUR GIG AND GET OUT OF HERE.

Jess: THE RELIEF SHIP SHOULD BE OVER THAT RIDGE THERE.


Page 5:

Panel 1: The crew members climb a huge ridge in the Martian desert.

Bobbie: ...I MEAN, ITS BEEN A TOUGH TRIP, AND A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE DIED, PERHAPS POINTLESSLY, BUT WE MADE IT, AND THAT MEANS WERE THE BEST... THE FUTURE OF POP!

(link) I THINK WE SHOULD TAKE PRIDE IN THAT AND...

Panel 2: The four crew members are lined up at the top of the ridge, facing us, and the first three (Jess, Petal, Bobbie) have their jaws hanging open in astonishment at something we cannot see yet. On the right Amadeus is bending over to examine a small cylinder with a flashing light that is embedded in the dirt.

Bobbie: OH

Amadeus: HEY, THERE'S A NOTE.

Panel 3: Amadeus has opened the cylinder and is reading from it.

Amadeus: WE REGRET TO INFORM YOU THAT M4RZ-ST4RZ WAS NOT THE COMMERCIAL SUCCESS THAT WE, EMBOLI PRODUCTIONS, HAD HOPED FOR AND WAS CANCELLED MID SEASON.

(link) UNFORTUNATELY THIS MEANS WE WILL BE UNABLE TO FUND THE RETURN VESSEL THAT YOU WERE EXPECTING.

Panel 4: Lage panel. We see the four crewmembers standing on the ridge, which is actually the rim of a huge crater, filled to the brim with hundreds of hundreds of M4RZ-ST4RZ t-shirts, lunchboxes, figures, etc... etc...

Amadeus: HOWEVER WE HOPE THAT YOU WILL INSTEAD ACCEPT WITH OUR COMPLIMENTS...

(link) TWENTY THOUSAND TONS OF UNSOLD M4RZ-St4RZ PROMOTIONAL MECHANDISE!

Jess: NOOOOOO!!!!!

END
 
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